Yes you CAN :)

All our lives we are told that we can’t. You can’t sing, you can’t paint, my parents told me without telling me. I read it in between their lines, but I wasn’t listening. Our parents tell us we can’t, our society tells us we can’t, capitalism tells us we can’t. But listen to this fundamental truth: God tells us we CAN. He tells us, “With God all things are possible.” I can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. I can learn painting, I can learn singing, I can learn gymnastics. You don’t have to be a child to learn gymnastics. For now, I am a beginner. I don’t have access to a gymnastics facility yet. But soon, in heaven, I will train gymnastics. I will paint, and I will write, and I will sing.

Society wants us to be obedient slaves. Now, there is a place for obedience: loving obedience, loving God as a choice, a choice to obey Him because you love Him and trust that He knows better than us what is best for us. He wants to give us His best, we have to be willing to receive it. We have to accept Jesus’s beautiful love and sacrifice and grace. We have to be willing to make sacrifices in our lives, and obey only out of love. We are allowed to think, and have free thoughts. We can choose to have only good thoughts and reject the bad ones. Yes, you can have a beautiful, angelic, dreamy mind. You CAN be happy. Society doesn’t care whether or not we’re happy. Capitalism doesn’t care whether or not we’re happy. As long as we have a job, don’t color outside the lines, its okay. But this is true advice for me: “Fall in love, not in line.” Fall in love with God.

Yes, you CAN. Whatever it is your heart desires, maybe God put that desire in your heart Himself. And with Him all thing are possible: he won’t give you the desire and then fail to give you the ability to do it. In good time, He will give you the talent to do it. My dream is gymnastics. God finally gave me the ability to stand up from a back bend. I got it 3 times, and now I lost it, but I trust that if I keep practicing, I will get it again. I know in my heart that God will give it to me, and I will have it forever. So go out boldly into the world and proclaim God’s love to others, share the gospel, and live your dreams. Follow your heart, listen to your dreams, listen for God’s still soft voice, and read the Bible, and pray without ceasing.

That’s all for now. Grace and peace to all of you! 🙂 ❤

Archangels: Some Questions You Could Ask God

Once God told me that I am 1/4 archangel and 3/4 angel. What should I do to become more of an archangel? I asked myself while I was taking a walk on a path in the forest, enjoying God’s creation, the trees and the path and the mud and the air I breathed. Was it pure clean air, or was I breathing in toxins? Was God the filter, the one that removed the toxins that were in the air as I breathed in each molecule of air? Does he change the pills I don’t want to take (but to my mom it is “medicine” that will stop me from hearing demonic voices) into sugar? Can he? What part of me is like an archangel? I crave long-lasting peace, and once on a walk, I felt a glimmer of long-lasting peace and hope, so when I was feeling depressed and empty today, I decided to go on a walk just for the sake of walking and listening to music at the same time.

What are archangels? What do they do, what do they feel? I ask myself. Why do they exist? What is their inspiration? I know my hope and inspiration to write comes from God…does that make me a prophet? God talks with me. While I was walking today, I could hear footsteps behind me, and I looked back to see if someone was there, and no one was there. This happened at least three times during my walk. God was literally walking behind me watching over me. On the way back, I saw a small purple butterfly and stopped to watch it. I looked at it then kept walking, and later I saw the same purple butterfly, it was flying around me, and I realized that the Holy Spirit was coming to me in the form of a purple butterfly. Seeing it gave me peace. Now, I know that the Holy Spirit isn’t a purple butterfly, but the Holy Spirit COULD HAVE been possessing the purple butterfly, and it could have carried the butterfly from the last place I saw it to where I was later on the path.

Speaking of paths, am I on the right path? How do I know if I am or not? By checking with God. God is with me also on this walk called eternal life. I don’t need to go on it alone. Sometimes I wonder, how can God watch me and talk to me, when there are so many other people – billions – that he talks to and watches and intercedes for? How is that possible, that He can watch everyone at the same time? Because God is not human, He is then something completely different from humans, and that something has a very big mind that can watch many people at the same time and do many things at the same time. Does God eat? Does God sleep? I think He probably doesn’t sleep, because he loves watching us, because He wants us to be safe. He can stop someone from stabbing or shooting me. He once told me that no one would ever stab me or shoot me, and that I would never lose a limb.

I think it is the promise of safety, the promise of safe immortality (and not just immortality. If I’m going to live forever, I want to live forever WHOLE, with peace and love and a healthy body, not depression and emptiness and immorality and lots and lots of danger from the scary world that I live in), that makes me part archangel. The hope I have in Jesus – the trust I give him, the doubts I shed – I KNOW I will never grow old and that I will go to heaven relatively soon for someone my age (I’m 24, but I died at age 23, so should I call myself 23? I want to be 20, so should I call myself 20? When I’ve been alive for millions of years, and am an archangel visiting earth, what age will I tell people I am?). I know this because God has told me AND shown me (in a way that works for me) many times.

What are archangels? Do they really have wings, and can they fly? Do they really have bodies, like I like to believe? Will I ever meet Micheal and Gabriel, the two archangels that I know of? Will my friends become archangels, so they can feel the safety and trust and love that I feel today? How can I help them to feel more like an archangel – an archangel’s peace? I don’t know what an archangel is. What does the Bible tell us archangels are? I don’t think it says much on the topic, at least not enough. I believe that God will tell me and show me when I get to heaven. I will meet archangels. I will hang out with archangels. I will vaporize DMT with archangels. I will train gymnastics with archangels, and play violin in a jam session with them. I will learn how to sing. I will get pretty good at gymnastics. I will always enjoy my walk to the gymnastics facility and to the ice skating rink. I will learn ice skating even slower than I’ll learn gymnastics, because gymnastics has the safe big fluffy mats, and figure skating doesn’t, if you fall, and I will probably fall, the ice is hard, and it won’t feel good. But I WILL get back up and try again.

Deep inside, we’re all the same. We can all become archangels. We can all go to heaven, and later we can all visit earth in a different way, in the earth, but not of it. I hope some of the safety I try to feel will rub off on you, and you can lose some of your doubts (unless you’re an athiest and you’re doubting your life philosophy, and thinking that maybe you should start seeking God and reading the Bible) and become more like an archangel. Remember to walk and talk with God, especially if you’re depressed. My walk with God inspired me to write this, and I’m glad it did, because I love writing, and blank pages and lack of creative, poetic ideas scare me away. I leave you with the peace of Jesus Christ our Lord and God. Goodbye! Until next time. 🙂

Eternal Hope

When a demon told me I was going to go to hell in a wicked voice (but pretending to be God), I was devastated. At the time I thought it was God and that He hated me for something I did in my life and I didn’t know how to fix it. It felt like there was no hope and I started desperately talking to people about heaven and hell and what I need to do to get to heaven and how to avoid hell. One girl was talking to me about Jesus. I was still decieved, though, and believed that God hated me. I started to want to be pure. I couldn’t sleep, and all I could think was, I want to be pure, I want to love. I was in a mental hospital while this was happening, and I was in art therapy, to lift my hopes up I painted a pink and orange and yellow heart and then drew lines around it like spirit emanating from the heart. I started singing “You’re the center of the universe, everything was made in you, Jesus, you’re the center of my life, you hold everything together.” I started to believe that maybe Jesus loves me and that the voice that told me I would go to hell was demons, but part of me wasn’t sure until I was released from the hospital and decided I would rather God turn me into a frog than send me to hell. I asked him for a less painful punishment. Now, I would rather be in hell than be a frog. Once upon a time, I wanted to reincarnate, because I thought I would just be a spirit in heaven, and I wanted to have a body. Before I went to that mental hospital where demons tormented me pretending to be God, I heard a voice saying, “Then you should be an angel” after I was trying to think really pure thoughts about the world (I forget what words I thought, but now I think, I want to protect the world, change it, and bring love and hope to the people in it, and to help them to not feel hopeless and scared of hell the way I was that I didn’t even want to be myself.  Now, today, I have endless hope. I already died, and in a certain amount of time, God will carry me to heaven, not hell.). I started to become an angel, to feel wings on my back (though they are very small and sometimes when I dance I stay in the air a little bit longer than normal, but its been a while since that has happened), and my hope just grew and grew. I realized that the voice in the hospital was the devil, or demons (I still am not sure), and that God doesn’t hate me, God loves me, and is never angry with me. God loves you too, and wants you to believe in his Son and trust him with your life and with your soul. He wants me to send you this message of eternal hope.

Reflections on Spiritual Warfare

Sometimes I feel like I’m nothing. Then I hear a quiet whispering, You are special and I love you. Sometimes I feel empty, then I am glad that I can be filled with God. I am reminded of a quote I wrote once: Make a home in your heart, take it with you everywhere you go, and then you’ll never be alone, and you’ll always be strong. Trust God, and invite Jesus into your heart. Remember that He is always in control, even when it seems like nothing is going right. He will turn bad things into good things. Rest in God’s peace, and don’t worry: truly believe, and keep going, holding onto Him.

What is spiritual warfare? Learn how to live like Jesus lived. Don’t worry. Believe. Sometimes I hear demonic voices, and it feels hopeless, and like there’s no room to think. One time my ego even died, and then I was listening to Sweep Me Away by Kari Jobe, and I felt swept away from God’s love, I felt like my ego was replaced my Jesus, and then He restored my mind. One thing to remember is that in spiritual warfare is that God always wins. The devil is defeated, even when it doesn’t feel like it. The only thing it can do to hurt you is talk to you and annoy you. It always talks to me, but God talks to me too, and the devil always stops , and one day it will forget that I exist, and God will never let it talk to me again. In fighting spiritual warfare, remember that it IS spiritual warfare, and NO, you’re not crazy. You’re unique, you’re a Child of God, you’re free, even when it doesn’t seem like it.

When you feel empty, when you feel lonely, when you feel like nothing, it could be demonic oppression, not depression. How do I fight oppression? I pray for clarity and freedom. I pray not only for myself but for my family and friends, for their freedom from being used by the devil, especially for my siblings and mom who don’t believe at all, I pray that they believe, and look at this: the book that my mom is reading has a lot about God in it, according to the back of her book. He lead her to it, and now she is reading it. God is really answering my prayers. It is freeing, though hard sometimes, to try to be selfless and peacemaking.

Am I different to have both femininity and masculinity in my personality, or is that balanced, or does love transcend gender? God made us male and female, but in the New Testament it says, there is neither Jew nor Gentile, Male nor Female, et cetera. Believing in Jesus is the only thing that matters.

When I feel oppressed and depressed, I make coffee, drink it, find music videos and gymnastics videos and listen to sermons on spiritual warfare, and then I feel devil. It tells me to not stay angry, but to be peacemaking, and forgive, because what they do isn’t their fault, sometimes it is the devil using them, sometimes its their own sin, but remember in the New Testament the adultrying woman with the other people who wanted to stone her, Jesus said the one of you who is without sin throw the first stone. Everyone walked away, and then Jesus said to the woman something like, go, be free, and sin no more. His words had authority and power, if she was oppressed by the devil, and the devil might of thought he won when the woman committed adultry, Jesus won when He healed her of her own tendency to sin. Go, and be free from sin, is what He is saying to us. Be free and sin no more.

Sometimes when I am oppressed and/or depressed (I can’t tell the difference sometimes), it feels like I am under water and can’t breathe. I feel bored and like nothing I could do would ever fulfill me or inspire me or free me or save me. But Jesus is saying, You are free now. I dance, I do gymnastics, I sing, I meditate, and then I feel like maybe I have hope to offer my peers and elders.

When the devil talks to me, I listen to christian music and read the Bible. I know I should, anyways. I know I should read Psalms, and I know reading psalms helps me. The devil always says that he is going to rip it up, but I can control my hands, God will NEVER let it possess my hands and rip my Bible. Once my mom was possessed by the devil and she ripped my small leather Bible. I don’t have that one anymore, but I have others. I know in my heart that it wasn’t my mom at all who ripped it up.

I don’t meditate often, but I used to. When I do, I do deep breathes, counting in 4 times, hold my breath for 4 counts, then breathe out 7 counts. Then I do a body scan, pay attention only to what my feet feel like, then breathe into my feet, move on to my ankles, do the same thing, then move onto my shins, then my knees, go all the way to the top of my head. I lay down for this. Then I sit crosslegged and focus on my breathing and deep breathing, then I let my breathing go and I just watch my breath and watch my thoughts pass by and then I let go of each one. I know I should do it more often, but when I feel depressed, I don’t feel like it. I know that is a problem. I also know that to be a part of God’s Kingdom, I don’t NEED to meditate: I just need to come to Jesus like a little child, and just believe and trust him and love him with all of my heart. I like the idea of meditation, though. Its supposed to make you more peaceful, and teaches you how to be a peacemaker, when you listen deeply. Listen for God’s loving still voice. His voice will come to you sometimes. Trust him. In spiritual warfare, God always wins. He is so much stronger than the devil. Love is strong, and hatred is week, evil is week, goodness is strong. Sometimes I feel empowered by God to eat only healthy food and to love and to help others and show love. I try to think of what I could do to help others, and sometimes, the answer is writing, writing about my experiences, my testimony, of fighting evil (I always have to fight evil), and God’s grace, God’s love in my life.  He gives me his power to always choose good thoughts.

Thats it for now. If you have any comments on spiritual warfare and what it looks like to you, be sure to let me know. We have to lift each other up, serve God by serving others. I hope this post gave you hope that you can get over all the evil that causes some “mental illnesses”, and if you have been labeled “mentally ill”, by others, please, take this power, and explaim, no I am not mentally ill: its oppresssion not depression, its the devil talking not shizophrenia, or God talking, and not schizophrenia, its normal emotions joy and sadness not bipolar. Remember: you are unique. You are special. You are not damaged or deformed or mentally ill. Together, we can mend each other, and lift each other up. Thanks for reading! 🙂

I started my faith journey when I was a little girl. Of course, it started way before I was even born as Cali. I believe I used to be Daniel and lived in heaven for 100 years (in hell for 1 year) and then reincarnated as Cali. I believe there is room for reincarnation in Christianity, but I don’t ever want to reincarnate.  I will go to heaven relatively soon compared to most people my age (God told me when I would go, but just in case it would jinx it, I’m not going to share that detail). Anyways, when I was a little girl I did JBQ (Junior Bible Quiz) and competed and even traveled for it. I remember sitting in the car with my mom and dad, and my dad asked me if I wanted to quit. I remember saying no, I don’t, why would I quit? I loved it. I memorized Bible versus, God’s word, but I didn’t really “study” God’s Word, I just memorized them. It was probably peaceful, but honestly I don’t remember what I felt. I do remember that I loved one of the teams I was competing against, Belmont, and that thus I was walking in the Lord’s LOVE, not really competing, but having an experience that would prepare me to unconsciously live a Godly life. Then we (my family) moved to Maryland, and my mom and dad stopped taking us (me and my three siblings) to church.

I was anorexic while I was growing up in middle school and highschool. I would skip lunch and run up and down the hallway staircase and throw away the lunch sandwhiches my mom dutifully made. Eventually I ended up hospitalized, and one of the girls who was there was an ex-gymnast. That brings me back to my childhood, long before I developed an unhealthy relationship with food and an unhealthy body image. Today I am taking power back and working out to be strong, not to be skinny: for what my body can do, which I realized in college while I was training martial arts. I stopped being a girl who wanted to be the skinniest girl in her world, and became a person – a womyn – who wanted to be as strong as any man, with big muscles, a loud kiai (which in martial arts, particularly Shotokan Karate, is the scream you shout when you punch and kick). Anyways, back to my childhood. I trained ballet and gymnastics when I was a little girl, and later (before I was twelve), figure skating. Back then, I didn’t call it “training”. I imagine that it was a joy.

I remember being in a gymnastics facility, and the class being divided into two different groups, and me being put in the less advanced group, which devastated my little girl heart. I also remember swinging on the uneven bars – putting my hands in the chalk, swinging from the low bar to the high bar, doing kips. I remember the dance studio that I went to and my first and only performance. I remember the ice skating rink, emulating the girls in leotards jumping and spinning, and taking classes on the ice rink with my siblings. I had healthy passions. Today I long for the opportunity to do all three again, forever. Gymnastics, dance, and figure skating are my passions. They are the healthy, whole part of me. The part of me that yearns for heaven, for peace and hope and strength. I also, of course, love martial arts, because martial arts convinced me that I didn’t want to be a 90 lb 5 foot 6 weakling (although there was a strength in my refusal to eat…it shaped my self-control, and built character, despite the fact that it was unhealthy) and decided I would rather be a lithe, 120 lb muscular martial artist, a warrior, an angel.

I remember the fat girl in the dance studio, and how desperately I didn’t want to be anything like her. Today I renounce that judgement that I have of her, and of anyone who struggle with their weight – whether they seek to lose weight or not. Today, I am working on losing fat and gaining muscle. It may be unhealthy, but I am doing it in a healthy way, going to the gym three times a week, doing gymnastics (unfortunately only basics, I don’t have access to a gymnastics facility), dance, zumba, weight lifting, and stretching. I used to do yoga, until I realized that it is hindu and that I can’t with my conscience and my love of Jesus train yoga without feeling wrong. If your heart tells you that something isn’t quite right, then maybe it isn’t right.

Back to my faith journey. When I was a senior in high school I was an obsessive academic. I applied only to ivy league schools, and schools that were almost ivy league. Because of God, I didn’t get accepted in any of them. If I went to Harvard or Yale, I never would have found martial arts, and I never would have been transformed from sick to whole: healed. Training Shotokan Karate at University of Pittsburgh, and eventually Kung Fu and Capoeira (which I traveled for) fulfilled me, and gave me the desire to gain weight. If I went to Harvard or Yale, or Juliard (I played violin and wanted to be a professional violinist. My passion for violin is diluted now and I have no desire to play violin, but I still love music and wish I appreciated my violin more than I do now. I do want to play flute and guitar and cello, and I am sure I will have the opportunity to do so in heaven), I never would have moved to Pittsburgh and found Damon, who lead me to God. Damon and I telepathically communicated, and not even realizing it, I started to pray for him. I hope today that Damon finds God somehow, that he becomes Christian, because I love him with all of my heart. Me and him have shared secrets, and I have in the past been unfaithful and shared those secrets, to my therapists, and in my writing. That however has stopped. Anyways, if there is telepathy, then there has to be a God. Later someone on facebook found me and linked me to a good friend (I didn’t know him at the time) that worked at a local church called The Upper Room, and I met up with him and started going to church every Sunday. A married couple, Josh and Katelyn, drove me to church every Sunday. Then a lot of chaotic things happened, and demons plagued me, and I ended up in a psyciatric hospital. I have been to several psychiatric hospitals, but in the second to last psychiatric hospital I was in, I died and woke up on a different earth. I can’t explain why I believe this to be true, but certain experiences in my life, and things God has done in my life, through other people and direct communication, such as lifting my soul out of my body and then gently putting it back in, holding my body while I was asleep and then when I woke gently dropping me on my bed (to show me that he can carry me to heaven), one of my lighted candles falling on my leg and then the floor and the flame not spreading, touching my skin, but not hurting or burning my skin at all.

There are so many reasons for you to believe. There are so many reasons why you should dedicate your life to God, and become a Christian. If not to avoid hell, do it because God already loves you just the way you are. Do it because he wants you to be happy, and you’ll be happier and more whole if you have a relationship with God. Just writing this, for God, took away my boredom and from my unhealthy, depressed, anxious thoughts. Do it just for the sake of believing, for peace, for hope, for God’s promise of eternal (immortal) life for those who believe in his Son Jesus Christ, who he sent to earth as Mary’s son, her virgin birth. Do it and love God and everyone you meet. Learn how to forgive, let go of negativity, and experience the beauty and love that God wants you to experience. There’s more to my story, of course, and I’ll keep posting, if just for practicing the art of writing a memior. I am a writer, I was a writer before I was a gymnast, martial artist, figure skater, dancer, and I always will be. Christian, angel, loving person. Thats all for now, let me know what you think, and tell me what kind of topic you want me to write about. What questions, about Christianity and about myself, do you want me to answer?