Wake up!

Get in your cocoon and wrap yourself up. Like the caterpillar becomes a butterfly, when you come out on the other side of your pain and sorrow and sin, you will become an angel. Wake up, drink ayahuasca, and have visions and expand your mind. Smoke DMT, become more like an angel. Love peace justice and mercy. Wake up people, this is a new age, a new time, a time of restoration, restore your relationship with Jesus Christ. Ask him to come into your hearts, and share him in a language that the worst outcasts of this society can understand. Become a part of His eternal family. Wake up, you are not free if any of your brothers and sisters are caged, Work to free them from their chains. Give them Jesus’s love, and be the shining example they need to follow.

Yes you CAN :)

All our lives we are told that we can’t. You can’t sing, you can’t paint, my parents told me without telling me. I read it in between their lines, but I wasn’t listening. Our parents tell us we can’t, our society tells us we can’t, capitalism tells us we can’t. But listen to this fundamental truth: God tells us we CAN. He tells us, “With God all things are possible.” I can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. I can learn painting, I can learn singing, I can learn gymnastics. You don’t have to be a child to learn gymnastics. For now, I am a beginner. I don’t have access to a gymnastics facility yet. But soon, in heaven, I will train gymnastics. I will paint, and I will write, and I will sing.

Society wants us to be obedient slaves. Now, there is a place for obedience: loving obedience, loving God as a choice, a choice to obey Him because you love Him and trust that He knows better than us what is best for us. He wants to give us His best, we have to be willing to receive it. We have to accept Jesus’s beautiful love and sacrifice and grace. We have to be willing to make sacrifices in our lives, and obey only out of love. We are allowed to think, and have free thoughts. We can choose to have only good thoughts and reject the bad ones. Yes, you can have a beautiful, angelic, dreamy mind. You CAN be happy. Society doesn’t care whether or not we’re happy. Capitalism doesn’t care whether or not we’re happy. As long as we have a job, don’t color outside the lines, its okay. But this is true advice for me: “Fall in love, not in line.” Fall in love with God.

Yes, you CAN. Whatever it is your heart desires, maybe God put that desire in your heart Himself. And with Him all thing are possible: he won’t give you the desire and then fail to give you the ability to do it. In good time, He will give you the talent to do it. My dream is gymnastics. God finally gave me the ability to stand up from a back bend. I got it 3 times, and now I lost it, but I trust that if I keep practicing, I will get it again. I know in my heart that God will give it to me, and I will have it forever. So go out boldly into the world and proclaim God’s love to others, share the gospel, and live your dreams. Follow your heart, listen to your dreams, listen for God’s still soft voice, and read the Bible, and pray without ceasing.

That’s all for now. Grace and peace to all of you! 🙂 ❤

Reflection from daily Bible study

God sets up waymarks for our earthly journeys, leading us to heaven. God will take our renewed soul and spirit, and put it in a new immortal body. The old will grow younger. We will be forever young. Look at Luke 5:38. “But new wine [soul and spirit] must be put into new bottles [immortal body]; and both are preserved.” Like God watched over his people to destroy, also he will watch over his people to save and build and plant. He gives all of us good fruit, and if we do not give up and faint not, we will reap a harvest. We can more than just survive. Amen! 

Read Jeremiah 31, Galatians, and Luke 5! 🙂

Poetry On Depression

I am underwater, drowning in my sweat

I am exploding, the stars in the sky are so vast and I stare at them.

I fall and fall and fall until there’s no light left, and darkness is imbued in the air I breathe

I breathe in toxins as I stand outside,

drowning in the atmosphere, poison spreading throughout the skies.

This is the shape of water,

My soul whispering, screaming, singing, hoping, resting quietly within my body

I learn and I ache and I yearn and I feel

And I decide to love, but I am drowning. My body is filled with water. The very air I breathe is toxic.

I go to the ocean, and I stand behind the waves, they are whispering, and I feel small

Small but special to someone, special for God,

I will find that special someone, I will go to that special place in my mind,

that place where everything is perfect and beautiful and I swim in the waters of my mind,

Everything is beautiful and nothing hurts, except I feel empty, and I’m drowning, and the wind blows silently

Here I am in the beginning of forever, waiting for heaven, waiting to feel alive again.

My blood runs, and it flows, and my eyes sing, and my spirit lifts, my eyes look up,

And I am no longer drowning

I am here on this earth

Alone, standing tall, strong

because fire paved its way through my soul

and depression tormented me

And I plunged through this deep journey,

this death,

and I came out of it alive,

alive and free and bursting with energy

I chose to be happy, just happy, happy for you,

happy for them, happy for everyone in heaven,

and happy how big our world just is,

happy despite depression,

despite the emptiness that clogs my pores and claws through my skin

I made it out alive

Shining God’s glory

Aching for truth

And I will whisper it to you.


What is freedom, really?

Freedom to move on from lost love, and not be too attached or too hopeful that that someone would come back into my life like I wish he would. I should stop wishing he would be my forever friend and move on. He chose to separate himself from me. We had something beautiful, but now I have to let it go. Freedom from sin, freedom from other peoples’ crimes, freedom from death. Having already died, I know I will never die again. Maybe I’ll meet my lost love Damon in heaven, and maybe I won’t. I’ll love him for the old person that he is, much wiser than the 20 year old I fell in love with and thought he was wise, even told him so. He’ll grow younger, and we’ll grow into love. But I have to open myself to potential soul mates NOW, instead of waiting for something that will never be what I have always hoped it will be. Freedom from death, means I can hope to be forever young, to someday have an opportunity to train gymnastics (because that is ALL I want to do) thrust into my life, given to me from God, whether its here on earth or in heaven or both. Freedom from sin, means I can choose to let God’s Love lead my life, and choose to only think good thoughts and resist and reject bad thoughts in the name of Jesus, and thus grow more and more like an angel. Freedom to love, and to do good works, but more importantly, to believe in Jesus and His Eternal Father. Freedom too know that I’ll go to heaven. But what does freedom really mean? It means I have a choice. I can choose between good and evil, and I am empowered by God to always choose good. There’s a story where there is a good horse and an evil horse inside each of us, and only one can win. The little boy asks which one wins, which one has the power, and the old man says, the one you feed. So choose to only feed goodness and love.

That is what freedom means to me.

I started my faith journey when I was a little girl. Of course, it started way before I was even born as Cali. I believe I used to be Daniel and lived in heaven for 100 years (in hell for 1 year) and then reincarnated as Cali. I believe there is room for reincarnation in Christianity, but I don’t ever want to reincarnate.  I will go to heaven relatively soon compared to most people my age (God told me when I would go, but just in case it would jinx it, I’m not going to share that detail). Anyways, when I was a little girl I did JBQ (Junior Bible Quiz) and competed and even traveled for it. I remember sitting in the car with my mom and dad, and my dad asked me if I wanted to quit. I remember saying no, I don’t, why would I quit? I loved it. I memorized Bible versus, God’s word, but I didn’t really “study” God’s Word, I just memorized them. It was probably peaceful, but honestly I don’t remember what I felt. I do remember that I loved one of the teams I was competing against, Belmont, and that thus I was walking in the Lord’s LOVE, not really competing, but having an experience that would prepare me to unconsciously live a Godly life. Then we (my family) moved to Maryland, and my mom and dad stopped taking us (me and my three siblings) to church.

I was anorexic while I was growing up in middle school and highschool. I would skip lunch and run up and down the hallway staircase and throw away the lunch sandwhiches my mom dutifully made. Eventually I ended up hospitalized, and one of the girls who was there was an ex-gymnast. That brings me back to my childhood, long before I developed an unhealthy relationship with food and an unhealthy body image. Today I am taking power back and working out to be strong, not to be skinny: for what my body can do, which I realized in college while I was training martial arts. I stopped being a girl who wanted to be the skinniest girl in her world, and became a person – a womyn – who wanted to be as strong as any man, with big muscles, a loud kiai (which in martial arts, particularly Shotokan Karate, is the scream you shout when you punch and kick). Anyways, back to my childhood. I trained ballet and gymnastics when I was a little girl, and later (before I was twelve), figure skating. Back then, I didn’t call it “training”. I imagine that it was a joy.

I remember being in a gymnastics facility, and the class being divided into two different groups, and me being put in the less advanced group, which devastated my little girl heart. I also remember swinging on the uneven bars – putting my hands in the chalk, swinging from the low bar to the high bar, doing kips. I remember the dance studio that I went to and my first and only performance. I remember the ice skating rink, emulating the girls in leotards jumping and spinning, and taking classes on the ice rink with my siblings. I had healthy passions. Today I long for the opportunity to do all three again, forever. Gymnastics, dance, and figure skating are my passions. They are the healthy, whole part of me. The part of me that yearns for heaven, for peace and hope and strength. I also, of course, love martial arts, because martial arts convinced me that I didn’t want to be a 90 lb 5 foot 6 weakling (although there was a strength in my refusal to eat…it shaped my self-control, and built character, despite the fact that it was unhealthy) and decided I would rather be a lithe, 120 lb muscular martial artist, a warrior, an angel.

I remember the fat girl in the dance studio, and how desperately I didn’t want to be anything like her. Today I renounce that judgement that I have of her, and of anyone who struggle with their weight – whether they seek to lose weight or not. Today, I am working on losing fat and gaining muscle. It may be unhealthy, but I am doing it in a healthy way, going to the gym three times a week, doing gymnastics (unfortunately only basics, I don’t have access to a gymnastics facility), dance, zumba, weight lifting, and stretching. I used to do yoga, until I realized that it is hindu and that I can’t with my conscience and my love of Jesus train yoga without feeling wrong. If your heart tells you that something isn’t quite right, then maybe it isn’t right.

Back to my faith journey. When I was a senior in high school I was an obsessive academic. I applied only to ivy league schools, and schools that were almost ivy league. Because of God, I didn’t get accepted in any of them. If I went to Harvard or Yale, I never would have found martial arts, and I never would have been transformed from sick to whole: healed. Training Shotokan Karate at University of Pittsburgh, and eventually Kung Fu and Capoeira (which I traveled for) fulfilled me, and gave me the desire to gain weight. If I went to Harvard or Yale, or Juliard (I played violin and wanted to be a professional violinist. My passion for violin is diluted now and I have no desire to play violin, but I still love music and wish I appreciated my violin more than I do now. I do want to play flute and guitar and cello, and I am sure I will have the opportunity to do so in heaven), I never would have moved to Pittsburgh and found Damon, who lead me to God. Damon and I telepathically communicated, and not even realizing it, I started to pray for him. I hope today that Damon finds God somehow, that he becomes Christian, because I love him with all of my heart. Me and him have shared secrets, and I have in the past been unfaithful and shared those secrets, to my therapists, and in my writing. That however has stopped. Anyways, if there is telepathy, then there has to be a God. Later someone on facebook found me and linked me to a good friend (I didn’t know him at the time) that worked at a local church called The Upper Room, and I met up with him and started going to church every Sunday. A married couple, Josh and Katelyn, drove me to church every Sunday. Then a lot of chaotic things happened, and demons plagued me, and I ended up in a psyciatric hospital. I have been to several psychiatric hospitals, but in the second to last psychiatric hospital I was in, I died and woke up on a different earth. I can’t explain why I believe this to be true, but certain experiences in my life, and things God has done in my life, through other people and direct communication, such as lifting my soul out of my body and then gently putting it back in, holding my body while I was asleep and then when I woke gently dropping me on my bed (to show me that he can carry me to heaven), one of my lighted candles falling on my leg and then the floor and the flame not spreading, touching my skin, but not hurting or burning my skin at all.

There are so many reasons for you to believe. There are so many reasons why you should dedicate your life to God, and become a Christian. If not to avoid hell, do it because God already loves you just the way you are. Do it because he wants you to be happy, and you’ll be happier and more whole if you have a relationship with God. Just writing this, for God, took away my boredom and from my unhealthy, depressed, anxious thoughts. Do it just for the sake of believing, for peace, for hope, for God’s promise of eternal (immortal) life for those who believe in his Son Jesus Christ, who he sent to earth as Mary’s son, her virgin birth. Do it and love God and everyone you meet. Learn how to forgive, let go of negativity, and experience the beauty and love that God wants you to experience. There’s more to my story, of course, and I’ll keep posting, if just for practicing the art of writing a memior. I am a writer, I was a writer before I was a gymnast, martial artist, figure skater, dancer, and I always will be. Christian, angel, loving person. Thats all for now, let me know what you think, and tell me what kind of topic you want me to write about. What questions, about Christianity and about myself, do you want me to answer?

Introducing my new website

Thanks for stopping by and welcome to my new blog! This is just an introductory post so I’ll keep it short and sweet.

I decided to start a blog because I wanted to share my faith journey with you and tell you why to believe.

Over the next few months I plan to be writing and sharing posts about how I became a Christian and the proof in my life of God’s love and care.

That’s it for now! If you’d like to be kept updated with my posts “Like” this post or subscribe to my blog.